i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize