Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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