I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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