I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
