i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize