I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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