My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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