If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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