Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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