She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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