It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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