You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
zippers are such a cool invention
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
