would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
