Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize