Will you blow on my dice?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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