someone threw a dead crab at me
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
