I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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