Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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