sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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