Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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