Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
