why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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