The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
