Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
