oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
