i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
