I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
there is glitter all over my balls
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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