I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
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