I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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