It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
