I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
