you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
