i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I am naked and annoyed.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
