What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
