i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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