I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
