What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
