If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
