3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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