I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
