Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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