It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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