Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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