you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
