watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize