What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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