you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm both gender and math confused
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