I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize