I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
