my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
