well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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