Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
