This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
