Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
