You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize