I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
