i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize