I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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