based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
