I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
