glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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