If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
