Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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