Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
