I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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