I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just found a bag of teeth...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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